What is the Difference Between a Tantrum and a Meltdown?

This is one of the most painful mistakes to witness both in person and in secondhand stories.

Parents, family members, friends, or even strangers will describe witnessing an autistic person have a "tantrum" over what they personally feel is "a small issue", but then grow concerned after the crying WOULDN'T stop. Then after the fact, come to the painful question "Did I handle that right?"

So, what's the real difference between tantrums and meltdowns?

How are you supposed to know when to bend and support and when to ignore?

I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but for autistic people. . .

There is no clear line because our tantrums can TURN INTO meltdowns.

Tantrums have a purpose and motive. They want a certain result and showing displeasure may change the result they were given or make the other party at least regret not giving in.

Meltdowns are the result of being over stimulated and do NOT have the motive of trying to emotionally manipulate the situation.

They definitely can look similar: crying, yelling, anxiety, limited coherent communication.

Meltdowns however can have some differences: self- damaging or excessive stimming, temporarily going non-verbal, sensitive to environmental stimuli, paranoia or panicked states, and total communication break downs.

But wait, why did I say tantrums can turn into meltdowns?

Well, meltdowns are caused by autistic people feeling over stimulated.

This can happen from illness, emotional situations, sensory issues, etc.

Well, when you are throwing a tantrum, you are throwing your body into a high state of emotional arousal. This makes it more likely for what started as a simple tantrum turn into a full blown meltdown.

It's tricky to both tell and to experience!

- When do you step in and when do you allow them time to calm down?

- What can you do to help support your loved one?

- And if you are the one going through the meltdown, how do you communicate your situation and explain that it is NOT emotional manipulation?

As a parent of an autistic daughter, it's heart breaking being on the other side of the dynamic. She is like any other child and will not want to go to bed sometimes or leave a store. She going to have tantrums, it's part of being human. But they will ALWAYS run the risk of turning into a meltdown.

This goes for adults too! We aren't immune to tantrums turning into a meltdown. We get upset and autistic people are more likely to struggle with emotional regulation.

So, what how are we supposed to deal with these situations?

This is MY list that I follow. It's not going ever be easy, but it DOES get easier.

- Routine. Predictability feels safe. During a meltdown, it's hard to understand the intake of information and it can even be PAINFUL. So following the same routine is very important. They don't even have to fully understand because it's habit and they already know the drill.

- Reduce stimulation. As soon as the person in question is not in control, save the conversation for another time. Instead, focus on reducing as much stimulation as possible.

If out and about, GET HOME.

If you are at home, lower or turn off lights and sound.

- Remember to give space. You are NOT a bad family member/parent/friend stepping out of the room. It's hard to step away, but if your loved one is in a safe space, know it's okay to step away.

Because of the panicked state autistic people find themselves in, it is VERY important to make sure they don't travel and are at a safe location. So it's sometimes more helpful to focus on chores and making their "return" as easy as possible.

- Redirect. Find what they can focus on. Is it a favorite TV show they like to repeat or music? Do they like weighted blankets or stuffed animals? Do they like cold, iced water?

Find what they are willing to interact with. They may NOT want anything. Sensory issues and meltdowns are different from autistic person to autistic person. Test the waters and see what works.

- Recover. After a meltdown, it can be exhausting and the person may even feel very sick. Some comorbid conditions can even be exasperated by the long length of crying. Medicine, breathing treatments (for those with asthma), water, and rest are important.

(Jk)

There can be a lot of confusion why meltdowns are taken so seriously by the autistic community.

It's because....

1) Meltdowns are painful.

As a child, I would cry in closets and small bathrooms. The darkness and quiet were the only things that would stop the "noise" during a meltdown. So you might see people on the spectrum run away from stimulus. It's hard to describe, but the pain isn't something I would wish on anyone. I will find myself trying ANYTHING to get the painful intake of information to stop.

Sometimes you will hear verbal stimming or high pitch sounds made by a person going through a meltdown. One reason they may do that is to "focus" on that stimulation rather than the painful sensory intake they are receiving.

2) Meltdowns are terrifying.

Just how any person would be afraid of being hurt and not knowing the cause or how to stop it, the whole experience is scary. As a child, I would cry in closets and small bathrooms. The darkness and quiet were the only things that would stop the "painful noise" during a meltdown. So you might see people on the spectrum run away from the painful stimulus source.

3) Meltdowns are FEARED.

Online, you see autistic communities talk about the traumatic experience of having a meltdown but either being seen as a problem or even seen as a threat. We will be reported on if we do it in public, fired from jobs if it happens at the workplace, or even kicked out of living situations.

So you have a game plan of how to help a loved one get through a meltdown and a bit of understanding of why they aren't fun.

But how can you support autistic people after the fact or from a distance?

1) Avoid triggers.

If you know they are more likely to have a meltdown from being overstimulated emotionally, avoid overstimulating them! Break things into sections, prepare them before emotional conversations, or be willing to say "let's take a break and continue in a bit."

But this goes for any avoidable triggers. We can't avoid all triggers of course. But if you have known avoidable ones that you can help ease the burden with, please do! If you are autistic reading this, try to ask for accommodations related to anxiety and emotional regulation.

Sadly, it's very hard for us to get accommodations in the workplace, but they don't need to know the exact reason. You just need to take a break to decompress.

You can name any condition that you feel comfortable disclosing OR don't give a reason at all. Just let them know, when you say you "need a break" the alternative is a full blown situation and no one wants that.

2) Don't push. If you can tell the autistic person in question is already at their breaking point, let them go. Don't push them and think it's not a big deal.

It may not be a big deal to you now, but it will be a big deal once you have a full blown meltdown on your hands.

3) Don't judge or bring it up as a joke. Let them lead how much they want to discuss it, especially right after. Meltdowns are losing complete control. It isn't like a tantrum where you are controlling your actions. I would compare it more like throwing up. You might be able to hold it in long enough to get to a toilet . . . . maybe. Counts how bad it is.

Meltdowns are a huge subject to cover. There are loads more I can say, but I will continue down the rabbit hole of "Meltdown Plans" another time.

I hope this was helpful and answered some questions on meltdowns or gave you a new insight on the subject.

If you ever want my take on a subject, feel free to leave a comment.

Thank you for reading and have a good evening,

Sam