My Journey with Masking

So before I continue, I will say I learned this topic the hard way.

I didn't understand what "masking" meant and to be honest, I was hurt and confused by all the people who claimed it was "impossible" to "not mask" and they "didn't know how to stop and just be autistic".

Like....What? Wouldn't just existing mean you ARE autistic?

If you "failed" your autism exam....maybe you weren't autistic?

HOWEVER, as time passed, I now realize WHAT masking is. I will be the first to admit I am NOT perfect and I have learned a lot since I was diagnosed.

So to share with the class so to speak, I will explain:

• What is masking?

• What it looks like to other vs. how it feels to mask?

• WHY you may read or hear about "unmasking"?

• When it's okay to unmask?

• How you can support autistic people?

First of all, masking isn't 100% acting 24/7.

If you are picturing someone rehearsing their lines for an interview, that is the type of masking a majority of people are used to, even non autistic/ADHD people.

In different situations, you will have different personas you will put on to engage with others and appropriately deal with the situation.

This is perfectly normal.

If NO ONE masked, we wouldn't have things like teachers calmly answering a question after a student is rude or customer service reps being the calm in the storm.

When autistic people are talking about masking, they are talking about:

• Minimizing stimming

• Censoring their EVERY word

• Forcing eye contact

• Purposely following a "script" of what to say

• Memorizing social norms

• Monitoring their behavior for others’ comfort

Now, a lot of these things are not inertly bad.

Stimming a LOT around some people can drive them crazy. I know I would've gone insane in school if EVERY class had someone stimming with a pen clicker. By the end of the day I would be EXHAUSTED.

So people will purposely mask common stims (repetitive physical movements) to keep their social relationships as positive as possible.

So while EVERYONE feels that oh so sweet temptations of:

- Popping bubble wrap in public

- Swearing at a rude customer

- Pacing while waiting in a crowded room

- Avoiding eyes of someone we might not like

. . . a majority of people WILL try to mask up and fit in because the pros outweigh the cons.

But when you're autistic, NOT doing these behaviors is PAINFUL. It's not a simple task to "mask up".

Things like stimming or preforming repetitive movements are how we regulate ourselves emotionally and mentally.

Not moving can lead to a nervous stomach, passing out from exhaustion, or painful migraines.

Eye contact?

It feels unnatural, like staring a lion directly in the eyes and growling in response.

Countless reports from autistic adults support this claim. So it's not comparable to wearing a uncomfortable collared shirt. But more relatable to the thought of suddenly asked to do stand up comedy on a stage.

So to sum it up, masking for your typical person isn't fun, but doesn't feel harmful to your being in small doses or with breaks.

But from an autistic person's perspective? A simple task such as ordering a burger can be intimidating and heart wrenching.

My thought process when ordering may go something like this:

- Did I say 'Hello without coming off as creepy?'

- Did I wave at the right speed?

- Okay, remember, make eye contact, but look at their forehead sometimes so it's not staring.

- Remember, they don't want to know about your day, try not to talk too much. Keep it SIMPLE

- Try not to shake your leg, you don't want them to think you're on drugs.

- They forgot my drink.... I'll just leave. Not doing that all over again.

You probably think "Wow, no one cares that much, chill out."

Thing is, you're not wrong and that's okay. I'm glad you don't naturally understand.

But that doesn’t change that it FEELS that way to us.

The reality is, the autistic population has high rates of being seen as "suspicious" or "drugged" because of our socially perceived erratic behavior.

So by masking, it's protecting ourselves. It's a matter of survival.

However, NOT every autistic person CAN MASK.

Each person is unique. Some people may be very good at masking in public with strangers, but completely "unmask" at home and it affects their personal relationships.

Maybe someone understands not being rude when speaking in small bursts, but is completely unaware of social norms from situation to situation.

For SOME autistic people, unmasking itself is a TERRIFYING situation. They are so used to doing the exhausting 20 questions when interacting with people, that even attempting NOT to do it can cause an anxiety attack.

For others, like me, I didn't even know what masking was referring to.

I thought masking was talking about customer service or interviews and yeah! Masking was very useful and I can only do it in short bursts.

But masking doesn't mean "passing". I can only "pass" as not autistic in very short bursts like interviews or short conversations, but in general, even IF they know I'm autistic, I'm attempting to mask.

Everyday, every minute I am interacting with others, I am with my mask. Friends? Family? Co-workers? It doesn't matter.

I HAVE to mask for all of them because I want them to see the version of myself that I wish to be to them.

I don't want to come off as rude, hurtful, or annoying. So I mask.

The problem comes in at.... where's the line? At what point can others help ME?

If I am constantly running a marathon mentally to do my best, how can others support me in "unmasking"? What type of unmasking is okay?

My personal take? As long as you aren't hurting anyone, it's okay and others should accept it too.

Do I shake my leg? Yes, it never stops

Does it hurt anyone? No

Do I talk in an overly formal fashion? Yes

Does it bother people? Yes

Should I stop?

In my opinion, no. It doesn't hurt anyone. But it may be useful to try and be less formal to strangers.

People could support me by acknowledging it's a simple accommodation and doesn't harm anyone.

I used to be a public school teacher, one of the things I was most picked on about was my need to decompress in my classroom.

During lunch, I turned off the lights, all sound, and quietly ate my lunch during my 30 minute break. I taught at multiple schools, at every school I was accused of being "weird".

So what? I needed to unmask and decompress. I was NOT hurting anyone eating in an empty classroom. It was just "strange". People even reported me to the principal!

Their reaction usually was "go eat in the staff room". Thus taking away my need and throwing me into a constant state of anxiety. This only made me stress out. I went from being able to do my job to struggling to even eat or sleep.

Unmasking and being comfortable with ourselves is asking others to accommodate us by allowing us to do what we need to do to be functional.

There is a line. It is a spectrum so it has to be said unmasking completely isn't the goal. The goal is to create the least restricting and harmful environment for all parties.

If someone is stimming with a clicky pen, you are 100% allowed to ask them for an alternative solution that meets the needs of everyone involved.

But if the unmasking ISN'T affecting you? Let it go.

If the autistic person makes small errors? Let it go.

It can feel embarrassing if someone accidentally unmasks during a meeting and is "too blunt".

But let's say they are completely strung out and you know they had a rough day. Let them know so they are aware, but also make sure to tell them you understand they need space and recovery time.

"Unmasking" was a sign they are at their limit.

You can accommodate by allowing them time to return to their baseline before a discussion.

Acknowledge the effort that goes into masking.

If you truly realize the effort that autistic/ADHD people put into to fit in, you may find yourself letting go tiny mistakes or quirks that make no difference at the end of the day.

Take care and be happy everyone.

-Sam